Reflect on your interests, your values, and your worth.
Remember that your interests are important. Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. If you don’t look out for your interests it’s not guaranteed that anyone else will. You have to stand up for yourself and what is best for you. Also, remember that if we don’t take care of ourselves first, we won’t be able to take care of anyone else—that is, if our needs are not met, and if we are not healthy and content, we won’t be able to effectively help others.
Be kind but firm.
Assertiveness is not aggressive—that is, it is not being rude or imposing our will on others. It’s about setting boundaries. Assertiveness can still be kind; we do not have to be rude or mean to be assertive. We can still say “Please,” “Thank you,” etc.—at least up until the point where we feel it is necessary to be very firm (example: “I told you no. Do not ask me again.”).
Examples of courteous assertive statements:
“I’m sorry, but your music is interfering with my studying. Would you mind turning it down for now?”
“I understand that you are upset, but could you please not yell at me?”
Give yourself time.
For example, if someone asks you to do something for them, don’t feel like you need to respond right in the moment. You can say something like, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you on that.” This gives you time to think about if you really want to do what the person wants, or if you have the time or energy.
Set boundaries.
Clearly define personal boundaries and communicate them assertively. Practice saying no when necessary and be firm in expressing limits.
Practice.
Gradual exposure to assertive behaviors in controlled situations can be beneficial. Practice saying no or advocating for your interests in low-stakes scenarios (e.g., telemarketer calls, customer service situations, online conversations, etc.) to build confidence. Try to remain kind and assertive, without becoming angry or aggressive. Remember that your progress in developing good assertive communication is likely to be very gradual. Reflect on your mistakes and think how you might handle situations like that differently in the future, but be forgiving with yourself, and don’t be discouraged if you slip-up.